Michael's Journal

Dealing with Uncontrollable Forces

There have been times when I felt like I was in a hole and sometimes that hole collapsed too. Just imagine having that feeling with no energy or no willpower to claw your way out. That is what it’s like for me living with my depression and anxiety. For the most part, I’m open about it but only to an extent due to me not wanting to spread negativity to other’s lives. Sometimes no matter how amazing things are looking for me, I can have that moment of being down.

For example, last week and this week has been hard for me to post and to record because I lost my way with things. I get so on track and caught up in what I’m doing and it’s just so easy for things to fall apart. It can be hard to work on things when you don’t have the motivation. I also realized that I was on the verge of burnout. Burnout so soon? I know, sounds crazy! But literally ever since I started writing, I didn’t stop. From the beginning of the blog to where I currently am now, I gave myself no breaks. It took a close friend of mine to tell me “Take a break” for me to realize I have been overworking myself, to know that this impending danger of burnout was contributing to it. When I started, everything was going better than I expected! In my mind, I was thinking since things were going so well and I was receiving the opportunities that came my way that I had to keep up the same momentum I’ve had since the beginning. Little did I know, I was pushing myself beyond my limits.

I heavily exhausted myself physically and mentally trying to put in the work and stressing about the little things that did not turn out the way I thought it would over the blog. But I thought it was ok, as long as I still had a smile on my face. Yes, I was smiling… but no it wasn’t the same genuine smile I’ve had when I started this. I started the blog and podcast because it was something I wanted to do, plus it was a way to help me deal with my depression and anxiety. The thought of not letting my own foot off my neck got in the way of me actually taking a mental break and time for me to check up on myself. Whenever my depression and anxiety hits, it hits hard. But since I’ve been exhausting myself and neglecting myself from the care I needed… depression hit like a tornado. I felt stuck (still kind of stuck) and I almost gave up on this. I couldn’t write nor talk my way through it because all the ways I normally dealt with things felt tedious and more of a chore.

With some prayer, a few days of self-care, and some good inspirational podcasts, I was able to bounce back. I’m not fully where I want to be but I’m back to a point where this smile on my face is genuine again! From now on, I will write because I want to write. Forget having a time stamp or barrier for when I post! I’ll only post when I know it’s something I want to do (I tend to write more quality content when not under pressure). I know you’re probably trying to figure out the point that I’m making but I’ll tell you just in case you are still wondering.

The point of me writing this is to tell you to never give up on what you want to do but to also make sure that you’re taking care of yourself. Also, if things don’t seem like they’re going your way then take a step back and breathe. What’s meant to be will be manifested into existence and what’s not meant to be will push you in the direction you’re supposed to head in. Also, if you’re dealing with any type of mental illness like mine, don’t be discouraged. Find your safe space, find what works for you, and if you can, find a therapist that’s right for you.

Stay Gay and Geeky,


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